What, No Product to Pimp in Some Crazy Getup? We Almost Didn’t Recognize You!

Believe it or not, this is the best glamour girl Katie “Famewhore” Price has looked in forever.  There’s no migraine-inducing pink, visible boob or threat of an accidentally-on-purpose flash of her business.  Based on those sub-par standards, this is a wee sartorial success.  Like if Lindsay Lohan wore pants instead of leggings for even a second.  WE GET IT LINDS.  You are a walking billboard for your line of ridiculously overpriced leg coverings.  Just because you put them on one leg at a time doesn’t qualify them as pants, you know.  Anyhoo.

On the other hand, Katie’s leopard leggings are eerily reminiscent of Aunt Lill down in Boca smoking  unfiltered cigarettes, drinking a little afternoon pick me up of gin and juice.  What?  Like your family is so perfect.  And paired with boots that put the “ug” in fugly?  While we give a point to Katie for putting the girls away, she loses approximately 100,000 points for the hideous footwear.  A cute ankle boot or a tall riding-style boot (no, not the pink ones from your equestrian line, Jordan), like these by Franco Sarto, would have been a HUGE improvement.

Does anyone know when Katie’s visa expires and she’s recalled back to England?  Between Paris Hilton, Bai Ling, Phoebe Price and the entire Kardashian clan, we’ve got more than our fair share of premiere seat fillers on this side of the pond already, thank you very much.

By ShoeMinx All-star Paige Muller

Pint-Size Designer’s Leave An Even Bigger Fashion Footprint

Tiny twosome Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have teased us for months with news of their first-ever shoe collection, a collaboration with Steve Madden.  “Design aesthetic” this.  “Style philosophy” that.  Yeah, yeah show us something, already!

Mary-Kate gave us a taste of their designs when she sported a promising prototype (try saying that three times fast) at Fashion Week.  It was cute with a hint of the unexpected, just what you’d expect from the blonde titan who regularly outfits herself like a slightly mad Himalayan Sherpa just to grab a venti latte at Starbucks.

So, behold.  Their Elizabeth and James shoe collection hit stores recently and we are . . . under-whelmed.  Objectively it’s fine.  It’s a mix of trendy and traditional silhouettes at a relatively reasonable price ($195 to $500).  Well, reasonable compared to three-digit couture, anyway.

We had high hopes for a “oooh, pretty!” inhale.  But instead of a Alexander McQueen-esque edge meets Betsey Johnson WTF-ness, the line is a bit “hmmm, where have I seen that style before?”

Take a gander:

Mary-Kate’s been spotted rocking these suede flat gladiators so they’re definitely downtown-darling approved but they’re also the newest residents of Meh-ville, in our humble opinion.

And these menswear-inspired moccasins.  MOCCASINS.  The word alone offends us, never mind what they look like.

The look are missing something: like, a slew of buckles and  zippers and cutout details.   And . . . feathers.  Yeah, that would have been AWESOME.  Or at least visually interesting.  It’s as if deciding which over-sized layer to mix and match with which bedraggled, too-long pair of pants zapped Mary-Kate and Ash of all their creative energy.

That said, some looks did catch our eye:

What size queen couldn’t use four extra inches of fabulous? We j’adore the ‘Haley’ slingback strap and the sexy arch of naked foot these reveal.

And if you’re drooling over the season’s fetish footwear look, but aren’t ready to fork over big bucks for shoes like Louboutin’s ‘Differa,  ‘Luella’ is a brilliant alternative.

Word is, the Olsens will stick with Steve Madden for another shoe collection next season.

Are over-the-knee boots on the way??

Sleek, sexy and sky-high.  Make a statement without saying a word in these BCBG slingbacks.

By ShoeMinx “Full House” Fan Paige Muller

We Fear Her Boyfriend Brian Austin Green Is Home Alone Making “Music”

With the Transformers sequel right the corner, it’s been all Megan Fox, all the time.  She’s outed herself as a bisexual, but really, who in Hollywood isn’t these days?  Being bi is the new black.  And she’s trash talked Angelina Jolie.  We’re sure Angie stays up late crying on Brad’s shoulder in distress.  Frankly, we’re weary of Megan already but then again we’re not men.

Megan gave the pimply adolescent boys at the MTV Movie Awards a thrill with acres of bare skin in a Dolce & Gabanna strapless brocade mini dress.  The dress is a shortened version of the one Beyonce wore to last year’s Oscar (which we hated!) but we’re adult-y enough to swallow the adjacent hate and admit it’s kind of cute on her.

And those shoes — Christian Louboutin Differa sandals — are slap your mama sexy.  Move those played out YSL’s to the back of the closet; they’re soooo last season.  Christian Louboutin’s Differa is getting around H’wood more than Doug Reinhardt! It’s smoking hot in every sense of the word, despite its impracticality (the heels are 140mm, or about five and a half inches), its price tag ($1,495 for the plain black patent ones), and its ability to make the wearer look like a regular at an S&M club.

But Megan’s Chernobyl day-glo orange skin and oddly slicked back hair are an epic fail.  Is she a victim of product overload like Robert Pattinson?  Are her plastic parts molting?  Dear lord, is she trying to tone down the sexy because she (gulp) wants to be taken seriously as an actress?  For the love of Restylane.  Honey, you’ve got about two, maybe three, years before things begin to sag and some new hottie starts snagging all the trophy parts so just smile, nod and make sure you have a good accountant ’cause you know Brian Austin Green will just spend all your cash on ridiculous hats.

Add a sexy edge to your look in these S&M-esque ‘Minnah’ heels from Steve Madden.  Being bad never looked so good!

By ShoeMinx Red Carpet Watcher Paige Muller

Must Have Left Her “Will Pose For Food” Sign In Her Purse

In lieu of actual talent or even a whiff of a titillating scandal, Misha Barton has been using the time during her extended hiatus from any discernible form of employment since The O.C. to mount a futile effort to pass herself off as some sort of fashion icon, like the long-lost love child of a petri dish rendezvous between Nicole Richie and the Olsen twins with an accidental DNA dose of Agyness Dyn.

There was her Woodland nymph period were she was some kind of foot soldier in the Headband Army that’s led by General Blair Waldorf and Brigadier General Aubrey O’Day, with an assist from Colonel Paris Hilton.  And of course who can forget her Annie Hall meets Ellen DeGeneres stage in baggy pants and bowler hats.  As if an outfit switcheroo will land her a Shakespearean script instead of a part as Blonde Girl #3.  Her latest look is brought to you courtesy of M.C. Hammer and his country crossover hit, “Please, Hammer, Don’t Let Your Baby Grow Up To Wear Fugly Flannel.”

However, those Louis Vuitton shoes are in a totally different category of crazy. Oh, Misha. It’s nice to see you go out and do that voodoo that you do so well.  We suspect she puts them on and prays everyday that the CW pilot for The Beautiful Life gets picked up so she can stop making up blog posts about her life. Hmmm, maybe we should get a pair of LVs and start praying for the same thing, too. Or better yet that she just fades into obscurity.

Get the look of this season’s tribal trend in these Sam Edelman “Malik” heels and walk on the wild side. Roooar!

By ShoeMinx Shoe Shaman Paige Muller

Cute Former O.C. Star Tries Avant-Garde On For Size

It wasn’t so long ago that any Rachel Bilson related news — Looks, she’s walking her dog!  — would have snagged bond font headlines, but lately her star seems to have fallen to the depths of Mischa Barton’s pathetic blog posts for attention.  So you may be surprised to learn that the former O.C. star is engaged to another former hot Hollywood property, Hayden Christensen.  You know, the guy who starred in the Star Wars prequels and ruined one of the greatest movie sagas of all time.  Thanks, bro.   Frankly, we were shocked that he put a ring on it since we would have bet money that his preference was more of the Brokeback Mountain variety.

But since he’s not exactly being flooded with scripts, we can kind of understand why Hayden would ask his sweetie to parade around looking like Chewbacca’s love child to remind people that he used to have a career.  Cheesy, but desperate times.  And a sandwich board saying “Please Hire Hayden” would have been kind of hard to walk in.  Because Rachel couldn’t possibly have looked at all the options in her closet and just randomly decided, “yes, this dress that looks like spare Muppet parts is PERFECT!,” right?  RIGHT!?  Even Tina Knowles, who wouldn’t know good taste if it came right up to her and introduced itself, would be like, “Honey, no.”

Which is a shame because from the knees down, Rachel looks quite sane.  Especially the shoes, like these Report Signature t-straps.  Lord, if this outfit is what she throws on for daily wear, her wedding dress is going to be a doozy.  Maybe  something like a straight jacket with fringe number from Gareth Pugh.  In white, of course.  Gotta keep some things traditional.

And, not to start any rumors or anything, but Rachel looks a bit . . . wide in the stomach area, no?

By ShoeMinx Fashionista Paige Muller

All Aboard the Balmain Crazy Train Of Unnecessary Extra Fabric

Pardon us in advance for the plethora of Obsessed puns that are about to follow but really, the producers were just asking for it with that pun-able title.  They could have dodged the SNL potential it is if the flick was like a really awesome updated version of Michael Douglas and Glenn Close’s epic, never-cheat-on-your-wife-or- your-psycho-lover-will-stalk-you-and-kill-your-kid’s-bunny flick.  But since Jerry O’Connell is in it, it’s pretty pretty much guaranteed to be the next the Glitter . The trailer is SO HORRIBLY BAD, we’re tempted to plunk down the $10 and change to view the cinematic calamity for ourselves and laugh our pants off.

Beyonce is so obsessed about missing out on The Oscar That Should Have Been Her’s Because Daddy Said So, she hitched her wagon to this dreck because her agent said it would really show her range.  Or some such nonsense to earn his 20% commission.  Miss B clearly bought it since she turned up on the red carpet in her usual over-the-top diva ensemble as if she’s expecting some kind of award for just showing up.  Is it a gown?  A mini dress? No, it’s the red carpet version of a skort! Which sounds like one of those anonymous movie reviews that at first read somewhat glow-y but on second glance says not much of anything:  Best comedy opening this weekend!  So to clear up any confusion lest you assume our approval: Beyonce’s has-to-be-1989-because-I-look-like-a-Whitesnake-video-vixen dress would be cute, if it actually was 1989 when bicycle shorts still counted as pants. And Tawny Kitaen was wearing it while doing splits on the hood of a fire-engine red Corvette.  Really, all that’s missing is a wind machine and random occurrences of Beyonce getting doused with water for some inexplicable reason.

Mrs. Jay-Z’s black pumps are fine but aarrgghh!, we wish TO GOD AND RACHEL ZOE she would get over her obsession (OK, we’ll stop) with matching her Loubs to her outfit.  B, nice girls don’t have to coordinate from head-to-toe anymore like Donna Reed.  We assume she’ll wear something suitable to the Razzies to get her Golden Raspberry for Best Unintentionally Hilarious Movie and Most Over-Acted Performance By An Actress With A Weave.

Black pumps, like a classic LBD, are always red carpet ready and available at ShoeCompare.com.

By ShoeMinx I’m-Not-Obsessed Fan Paige Muller

The Former Mrs. Cruise One-Ups Katie Holmes On The Red Carpet

We admit, it took us half a tick to figure out what the heck Oscar winner Nicole Kidman was doing at the Country Music Awards.

Some kind of desperate promotion to save Australia from a Razzie nomination? What? There are cowboys and flannel shirts in the trailer so it would kind of make sense.  A PR blitz to generate buzz for an upcoming role as a botox-ed bronco rider in an Annie Oakley flick?

Oh right, she’s Keith Urban’s plus one.  He’s so man-tanned and waxed we tend to  think of him as just a really pretty prop.  Like an awesome “Screw Tom Cruise and his weak DNA” accessory.

From the front, Nic is all BUSINESS in a glittering floor-length, long-sleeve L’Wren Scott turtleneck dress, but SASSY from the back.

It’s like the sartorial equivalent of a mullet, which is both fitting for the event and a delightful lesson in similes and metaphors. She continues the coy concept with prim and proper meets wooo! open bar, peep-toe slingbacks.  Layers of whimsy!

Finish a bold look with an understated, but elegant, shoe, like these Kate Spade satin ‘Gwen’ slingbacks, available from ShoeCompare.com.

By ShoeMinx Red Carpet Watcher Paige Muller

Star’s Sexy Style Is Rated At Least PG-13

There’s no sign of the sparkler boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal supposedly put on Reese Witherspoon’s Mrs. finger, but America’s Sweetheart still got her shine on at the premiere of her kiddie flick, Monsters vs. Aliens.  After Reese’s slumpy turn at the Oscars, she’s made a total 180 debuting, a new sassy side for spring.  Her metallic Rodarte mini is short yes, but not obscenely so  (note to Lisa Rinna: see, you can do short and sexy without the threat of showing all your business) and frankly it’s nice to see her loosing up her tightly wound persona, given she tends towards the prim and proper a bit.

And Reese’s two-tone, gray and yellow heels, like these ‘New York Chestnut Hill’ shoes by Kenneth Cole, are random enough to be interesting without Walking the Line into “trying too hard” territory.  That’s best left to village Head Fug in Chief Solange Knowles. And judging from Reese’s insanely awesome quads, she’s totally ready for a sprint down the aisle.

By ShoeMinx Red Carpet Watcher Paige Muller

One Of These Days Paula And Miley Cyrus Will Both Finally Wear Something Age-Appropriate

It might be possible to get a buzz from whatever cocktail of crazy on the rocks with a side of lime Paula Abdul is consuming just from looking at her. ‘Cause clearly the last time she had a sober moment was in the early 2000s when Avril Lavigne was all the faux emo/riot girrrl rage and teens flocked to Hot Topic for all their “life is like, so hard, and I hate my parents, wah” accessories.  So in a misguided effort try to look younger and funkier and more in-tune with These Kids Today, the American Idol judge styled herself in her angsty best.  HT was evidently having some kind of five for $10 sale.

But as Paula’s outfits go, it’s not even near her worst.  The mounds of chains.  The fingerless gloves.  The chunky black boots.  All that’s missing is the chipped black nail polish and  “f**k you, mom and dad” expression on her face.  Though with her Botox problem, doing more than blinking and stringing a bunch of slurred words together in something distantly related to English at the same time is a mystery medical science has yet to conquer. So yes, remarkably this Flashdancing “Like There’s No Tomorrow” in a bizarre version of Michael Jackson’s “Bad” video look is actually an improvement.  Just think how great the choreography in that video would be.  You just know Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz is scoping her outfit for pieces he wants to borrow.

And at least Paula erased the moustache Simon Cowell drew on her.  Normally she would have coordinated it with an eye patch and swashbuckler’s sword.  Which would have been all kinds of awesome.

Step out in style in these ‘Saturn’ ankle booties from Charles by Charles David.  They’re “Crazy Cool.”

By ShoeMinx Idol Paige Muller

Promotes Product She’ll Never Use Again After The Check Clears

“Konnichiwa, all you adoring fans! Are you pleased to see me? Of course you are, I am Jennifer Lopez!  I wore these super high Salvatore Ferragamo heels to make sure you can all feast upon the banquet of my supreme diva-ness as I tower over you like Godzilla.  Your awe of my FIERCENESS sustains me.

With that estupdia Octo-mom stealing my baby-making thunder and Madonna wandering Africa, picking up babies in a $2,800 Chanel tracksuit, I agreed to come over here to gift you with my greatness even though my biggest achievement so far has been staying married to Marc longer than any of my other husbands. And we are soooo in love!  Si, muy mucho! He loves me and I love me, it is like a fairytale.  I especially love that he knows I am the boss of him and is available to baby-sit around the clock.  My precious bambinos are such lovely little accessories but baby drool would just clash with my outfit.  Like my wedding ring.  Commitment really should come in designer styles and colors.

Why are I here you ask, my darling harajuku girls?  It is because I love this person whose name I couldn’t be bothered to learn and their fabulous line of . . . **LINE!  What crap are I here to promote again?**  Oh, yes, Samantha Thavasa and this fierce bag that I am totally going to keep after I fill it with everything that’s not nailed down in the dressing room.  And with your LOVE!  See my movie! Buy my album!  Spritz yourself with the essence of JLO!  **Ok, are we done here?  Check!  And remember, I want that bag stuffed so full it will need its own seat on the jet.**”

Get sky high style in these ‘Evil’ platform heels by Steve Madden. With a wicked 4″ heel, this on-trend silhouette is the epitome of fashion chic.

By ShoeMinx Harajuku Girl Paige Muller