All Aboard the Balmain Crazy Train Of Unnecessary Extra Fabric

Pardon us in advance for the plethora of Obsessed puns that are about to follow but really, the producers were just asking for it with that pun-able title.  They could have dodged the SNL potential it is if the flick was like a really awesome updated version of Michael Douglas and Glenn Close’s epic, never-cheat-on-your-wife-or- your-psycho-lover-will-stalk-you-and-kill-your-kid’s-bunny flick.  But since Jerry O’Connell is in it, it’s pretty pretty much guaranteed to be the next the Glitter . The trailer is SO HORRIBLY BAD, we’re tempted to plunk down the $10 and change to view the cinematic calamity for ourselves and laugh our pants off.

Beyonce is so obsessed about missing out on The Oscar That Should Have Been Her’s Because Daddy Said So, she hitched her wagon to this dreck because her agent said it would really show her range.  Or some such nonsense to earn his 20% commission.  Miss B clearly bought it since she turned up on the red carpet in her usual over-the-top diva ensemble as if she’s expecting some kind of award for just showing up.  Is it a gown?  A mini dress? No, it’s the red carpet version of a skort! Which sounds like one of those anonymous movie reviews that at first read somewhat glow-y but on second glance says not much of anything:  Best comedy opening this weekend!  So to clear up any confusion lest you assume our approval: Beyonce’s has-to-be-1989-because-I-look-like-a-Whitesnake-video-vixen dress would be cute, if it actually was 1989 when bicycle shorts still counted as pants. And Tawny Kitaen was wearing it while doing splits on the hood of a fire-engine red Corvette.  Really, all that’s missing is a wind machine and random occurrences of Beyonce getting doused with water for some inexplicable reason.

Mrs. Jay-Z’s black pumps are fine but aarrgghh!, we wish TO GOD AND RACHEL ZOE she would get over her obsession (OK, we’ll stop) with matching her Loubs to her outfit.  B, nice girls don’t have to coordinate from head-to-toe anymore like Donna Reed.  We assume she’ll wear something suitable to the Razzies to get her Golden Raspberry for Best Unintentionally Hilarious Movie and Most Over-Acted Performance By An Actress With A Weave.

Black pumps, like a classic LBD, are always red carpet ready and available at ShoeCompare.com.

By ShoeMinx I’m-Not-Obsessed Fan Paige Muller

The Former Mrs. Cruise One-Ups Katie Holmes On The Red Carpet

We admit, it took us half a tick to figure out what the heck Oscar winner Nicole Kidman was doing at the Country Music Awards.

Some kind of desperate promotion to save Australia from a Razzie nomination? What? There are cowboys and flannel shirts in the trailer so it would kind of make sense.  A PR blitz to generate buzz for an upcoming role as a botox-ed bronco rider in an Annie Oakley flick?

Oh right, she’s Keith Urban’s plus one.  He’s so man-tanned and waxed we tend to  think of him as just a really pretty prop.  Like an awesome “Screw Tom Cruise and his weak DNA” accessory.

From the front, Nic is all BUSINESS in a glittering floor-length, long-sleeve L’Wren Scott turtleneck dress, but SASSY from the back.

It’s like the sartorial equivalent of a mullet, which is both fitting for the event and a delightful lesson in similes and metaphors. She continues the coy concept with prim and proper meets wooo! open bar, peep-toe slingbacks.  Layers of whimsy!

Finish a bold look with an understated, but elegant, shoe, like these Kate Spade satin ‘Gwen’ slingbacks, available from ShoeCompare.com.

By ShoeMinx Red Carpet Watcher Paige Muller

Star’s Sexy Style Is Rated At Least PG-13

There’s no sign of the sparkler boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal supposedly put on Reese Witherspoon’s Mrs. finger, but America’s Sweetheart still got her shine on at the premiere of her kiddie flick, Monsters vs. Aliens.  After Reese’s slumpy turn at the Oscars, she’s made a total 180 debuting, a new sassy side for spring.  Her metallic Rodarte mini is short yes, but not obscenely so  (note to Lisa Rinna: see, you can do short and sexy without the threat of showing all your business) and frankly it’s nice to see her loosing up her tightly wound persona, given she tends towards the prim and proper a bit.

And Reese’s two-tone, gray and yellow heels, like these ‘New York Chestnut Hill’ shoes by Kenneth Cole, are random enough to be interesting without Walking the Line into “trying too hard” territory.  That’s best left to village Head Fug in Chief Solange Knowles. And judging from Reese’s insanely awesome quads, she’s totally ready for a sprint down the aisle.

By ShoeMinx Red Carpet Watcher Paige Muller

One Of These Days Paula And Miley Cyrus Will Both Finally Wear Something Age-Appropriate

It might be possible to get a buzz from whatever cocktail of crazy on the rocks with a side of lime Paula Abdul is consuming just from looking at her. ‘Cause clearly the last time she had a sober moment was in the early 2000s when Avril Lavigne was all the faux emo/riot girrrl rage and teens flocked to Hot Topic for all their “life is like, so hard, and I hate my parents, wah” accessories.  So in a misguided effort try to look younger and funkier and more in-tune with These Kids Today, the American Idol judge styled herself in her angsty best.  HT was evidently having some kind of five for $10 sale.

But as Paula’s outfits go, it’s not even near her worst.  The mounds of chains.  The fingerless gloves.  The chunky black boots.  All that’s missing is the chipped black nail polish and  “f**k you, mom and dad” expression on her face.  Though with her Botox problem, doing more than blinking and stringing a bunch of slurred words together in something distantly related to English at the same time is a mystery medical science has yet to conquer. So yes, remarkably this Flashdancing “Like There’s No Tomorrow” in a bizarre version of Michael Jackson’s “Bad” video look is actually an improvement.  Just think how great the choreography in that video would be.  You just know Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz is scoping her outfit for pieces he wants to borrow.

And at least Paula erased the moustache Simon Cowell drew on her.  Normally she would have coordinated it with an eye patch and swashbuckler’s sword.  Which would have been all kinds of awesome.

Step out in style in these ‘Saturn’ ankle booties from Charles by Charles David.  They’re “Crazy Cool.”

By ShoeMinx Idol Paige Muller