Promotes Product She’ll Never Use Again After The Check Clears

“Konnichiwa, all you adoring fans! Are you pleased to see me? Of course you are, I am Jennifer Lopez!  I wore these super high Salvatore Ferragamo heels to make sure you can all feast upon the banquet of my supreme diva-ness as I tower over you like Godzilla.  Your awe of my FIERCENESS sustains me.

With that estupdia Octo-mom stealing my baby-making thunder and Madonna wandering Africa, picking up babies in a $2,800 Chanel tracksuit, I agreed to come over here to gift you with my greatness even though my biggest achievement so far has been staying married to Marc longer than any of my other husbands. And we are soooo in love!  Si, muy mucho! He loves me and I love me, it is like a fairytale.  I especially love that he knows I am the boss of him and is available to baby-sit around the clock.  My precious bambinos are such lovely little accessories but baby drool would just clash with my outfit.  Like my wedding ring.  Commitment really should come in designer styles and colors.

Why are I here you ask, my darling harajuku girls?  It is because I love this person whose name I couldn’t be bothered to learn and their fabulous line of . . . **LINE!  What crap are I here to promote again?**  Oh, yes, Samantha Thavasa and this fierce bag that I am totally going to keep after I fill it with everything that’s not nailed down in the dressing room.  And with your LOVE!  See my movie! Buy my album!  Spritz yourself with the essence of JLO!  **Ok, are we done here?  Check!  And remember, I want that bag stuffed so full it will need its own seat on the jet.**”

Get sky high style in these ‘Evil’ platform heels by Steve Madden. With a wicked 4″ heel, this on-trend silhouette is the epitome of fashion chic.

By ShoeMinx Harajuku Girl Paige Muller

America’s Sweetheart Accessorizes Prêt-à-Porter Style With Signature Smile

Oh, Julia.  Once upon a time Duplicity star Julia Roberts was the highest paid actress in the biz, pulling down $20 million a picture.  But now that she’s settled into her routine of being married, raising kids and yelling at paparazzi, Jules evidently finds showing up on the red carpet a hassle.

Sadly, that translates into wearing a frumpy black trouser suit and silk blouse with sleeves that are too long and business meeting appropriate peek-toes in an overall look that is more PTA than “I made hooking cool and got to make out with Richard Gere.” On a scale of one to Bai Ling,  it’s solidly eh.  Maybe Jules has gone all method actress-y and is duping us by staying in character as a spy chasing Clive Owen hoping to catch him red-handed in some shady shenanigans where her sleeves will come in handy to catch DNA evidence.

No matter the occasion or season, a pair of black peep-toes, like these from Jimmy Choo, are stunning in their classic style.

By ShoeMinx Diva Paige Muller

She Looks 1000x Better Already Without Spencer Pratt in the Picture

Pssst, we have a confession.  We kinda don’t actually hate The Hills’ Heidi Montag.  Sure, she’s not exactly an Oscar-caliber actress or anything but then, neither are any of her faux-drama cohorts.  And she’s just so darned HAPPY any time anyone with a camera speaks to her, unlike cast mate Lauren Conrad who acts so weary, as if whatever she was doing before celebrity was gift-wrapped and handed to her on a silver platter was infinitely more interesting and now she’s just slumming it.  Frankly, we think Heidi is a victim of adjacent hate for oh so appropriately named boyfriend Spencer Pratt.  We’ve all had those “what the hell was I thinking?” hook-ups, right?   But love her or hate her, the girl gives good drama.

And with top dog Lauren opting out of the show after five years (!) of goopy mascara tears and manufactured drama, Heidi is ready to take center stage.  “I don’t think we’ll ever take a break from the cameras! We love you guys!” she squealed at Star magazine’s Young Hollywood Event at H’wood’s Apple Lounge.  Uhm, is that a threat or a promise?

The pout-and-pose pro mostly covered up her purchased boobs for once and upped her “Fashion” game in a nude colored Stella McCartney dress with matching peep toe pumps, like these by RSVP.  Why, she looks almost respectable!  Looks like everyone’s favorite frenemy is angling for her own TV gig:  The Heidi and Spencer Hour.  We’d tune in just to find out if those crazy kids are officially married or just faux hitched.  But if Heidi’s smart,  she’d push for a scripted break-up after a cross-over fling with Bromance’s Brody Jenner, with a dramatic arch that has her running off to The City to escape the heart-break before debuting her solo spinoff, Here’s Heidi! Not that we know what the show would be about exactly.  That’s what agents are for.  We can’t do everything, sheesh.

By ShoeMinx A-lister Paige Muller

Red Carpet Walker Steps Into The Spotlight As Sexy Stiletto CEO

Kim Kardashian may turn her possibly cosmetically enhanced nose up at fellow heir-head Paris Hilton, but the bootylicious “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” reality star is following her entrepreneurial example and extending her brand.

In addition to her full-time job showing up at Hollywood hotspots for her daily photo opp and waving her boobs in her hot NFL-player boyfriend’s face to get him to propose so she can ditch her dead-weight family and star in her own reality show, “Kim + Reggie Sign A Prenup,” the unintentional porn star has fashioned herself as co-founder and chief stylist for Shoe Dazzle.  The online shopping service gives shoe-obsessed members the expertise of Hollywood’s top stylists — and Kim herself.  Guess she needs a fall back plan since old Reggie is dragging his feet getting her to the altar. 

Here’s how Shoe Dazzle works: You take a Style Sensibility quiz where you select picks of your favorite runway pics, celebrities’ styles you admire (Beyonce vs. Gwen Stefani, for example) and the styles of shoes you like to determine your signature footwear look.  Then for $39 a month, you can choose your favorite pair from the five platforms, pumps, booties or flats options that ShoeDazzle’s stylists pull for you. It’s like Netflix for shoes, only there’s no need for a prepaid return envelope.  We’ll go out on a limb and assume you won’t find a pair by Paris in the bunch.  But don’t hold your breathe for any Manolos or Loubs either.

Here’s a peek at the looks they have available:

Usually not shy about dropping names, Kim is very hush hush about the brands the site has to dazzle you with.  But thanks to our sleuthy shoe skills, we’ve discovered that one of the lines they carry is Michael Antonio,  Get the look, like these ankle booties, at Shoecompare.com.

So, what do you think: promising venture or should Kim stick to what she does best . . . uh, whatever that is?

By ShoeMinx Diva Paige Muller

“Blake Lively Lands The Cover of Vogue And All I Got Are These Stupid Shoes”

Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester has become quite the twee fashion plate so it’s no wonder Reebok would want to sign the young Hollywood “It” girl to pimp their line of kicks for girls, which are billed as “fashion forward styles in bold colors and sporty silhouettes for the urban girl.”

Leaving  aside the fact that Leighton Meester would never, ever (never, ever? No, never) wear this brand in real life, we do wonder, why on EARTH they would put her into a god-awful pair of shoes, instead of oh, a pair that people would actually want to buy?!  And from the look on her face, she knows it’s a hot mess. Blair Waldorf so would not approve. Oh, the perils of contractual obligations.   We totally realize Leighton probably wanted to snag a deal while the getting was good and GG is still hot, but couldn’t her agent have hooked her up with an argyle sweater or headband deal or something?

From the knees up, Leighton’s 3.1 Phillip Lim dress and purple jacket is super cute.  Kind of, city girl going shopping on the weekend before meeting her gal pals for a spot of lunch and who’s sleeping with who dish and “oh my god, can you believe she’s wearing clothes from last season?”  But those sneaks just don’t go with the outfit, and worse, they make her legs look stumpy, which is probably not what Reebok is going for.  If Leighton can’t look good in them, us normies are doomed.

For the life us we can’t understand why the people styling these events don’t put Said Starlet into something she might actually wear with whatever crap product they’re  hawking.  Though we are loathe to admit it (to the point of throwing up in our mouths a little), Mischa Barton’s outfits were always coordinated with the Keds she was pushing back before the former next big thing’s career went on indefinite pause. As far as Leighton, well, it could have been worse.  The good folks at Reebok could have made her wear the bright pink clown shoes on the table behind her.

Athletic shoes these days aren’t just the gym anymore.  Styles like these chic  ‘India’ skimmers from Gola give girls on the go traction and support without sacrificing that “ooooh, cute shoes” appeal.

By ShoeMinx Athletic All-Star Paige Muller

Fashion Police Says, “Halt, In the Name Of Bad Fashion (Sorry, Jimmy C.)”

Why so glum, Fergie?  If we had just gotten hitched to hottie Josh Duhmel we’d be showing a little (OK, a lot) more excitement.  You know that crabby mug you’re sporting, plus the Avril Lavigne goes goth get-up, is going to kick off a round of “Trouble in Paradise” rumors.

As newbie bride Scarlett Johnston also turned up recently with a dark new ‘do, we’re noodling if this is a celeb trend in the making, like the persistent wearing of hippy dippy headbands.  But much like the return of 80s fashion and those loathed shoulder pads (get ready peeps, its coming), just because something is trendy doesn’t mean it’s cute.  Which is pretty much what this look is not.

Fergie’s dress shows off her legs nicely but one side is oddly higher than the other.  Is it asymmetrical on purpose or is she a victim of errant static cling?  And though we do like the pop of color in her Jimmy Choos, the ankle strap business is heavily reminiscent of Michelle Rodriguez’ house arrest ankle bracelets.  Which just makes us think of Beecher and Adibizi and the theme song from Oz. Fashion takes its inspiration from everywhere, but we’re pretty sure Emerald City is not what the designer had in mind. Try these G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S BCBG ‘Mack’ sandals, instead.

But the biggest fug of all is the Duchess’ new hair.  No doubt expensive and probably styled with products made from the rarest practically extinct ingredients, it reads: Miss Clairol dye no. 5 done in the hotel bathroom.  Fergs, this color isn’t working for you.  That plus the center part is just all kinds of harsh, making you look like a trannilcious Priscilla Presley impersonator.  Kim Vu managed to rock out Britney’s weave (we’ve almost forgotten those pics of her with a pair of clippers in her hand) and could fix you right up with some highlights and loose waves to mellow out the meth-face.  But hey, maybe Josh is digging it.  Thanks to Mrs. Duhmel’s TMI habit, we wouldn’t be entirely surprised.  Nauseated, but not surprised.

By ShoeMinx Glamour Girl Paige Muller

“Phantom of The Opera” Star Goes From Classy to Hoochie

Whoa.  Remember when Emmy Rossum, she of the envious mane of glorious curls who starred with Gerard Butler before he got ripped in 300, was Hollywood’s next big thing?  Yeah, it’s been awhile.  She was also in Poseidon but that movie is so hilariously bad we’d prefer to erase it from our memory banks. Which is why we guess she’s employing Amanda Bynes’ “look at my crotch!” promo strategy to stay vaguely relevant, because accidental up-skirt potential is always worth a couple of pictures in the tabloids.

Reduced to starring in something called Dragonball Evolution, Emmy appears to be taking the whole “whoring yourself for fame” thing a bit literally when it comes to her ensemble at the straight-to-DVD premiere.  The color of her Emanuel Ungaro dress is quite lovely on her but the cut-to-there hem, plus the peek-a-boo bustier detail, reeks of Paris Hilton.  Or worse, Lisa Rinna.

Neither association is likely to prompt casting agents to ring her up to step into an Oscar-worthy part Anne Hathaway had to turn down due to prior obligations.  Her black pumps with sparkly toe embellishment are quite cute though, like these Giuseppe Zanotti’s from ShoeCompare.com.  If she’d just apply the same sartorial selection process to everything above the knee, we suspect her choice of parts might improve to “servicable Jennifer Aniston type.”

By ShoeMinx Red Carpet Watcher Paige Muller

We Wonder If She’ll Ditch Couture For Jeans After The SATC Sequel Wraps

Sarah Jessica Parker is often accused of channeling her Sex and the City character’s sometimes over-the-top wardrobe tendencies in real life.  Fair enough, but it would be hard not to borrow some of Carrie Bradshaw’s style sense — and her fab clothes! — after playing the part almost longer than she’s been married to Matthew Broderick.  And whether her outfits are costume-y or a reflection of her own innate style, one thing they’re not is boring.  A de rigueur LBD and a pair of pumps? Fuggedaboutit.

There is a LOT going on in this look but somehow it all works. Kind of like how separately the ingredients of a Monte Cristo don’t sound too appetizing but all together it’s a mouth full of deliciousness. First there’s the skintight green L’Wren Scott snakeskin dress, which on it’s own might have been a bit too aggressively sexy.  But paired with the feathered stole, sheer gloves and extra strappy Christian Louboutin for L’Wren Scott shoes (which we love to the point that we’d give into our baser instincts and employ elbows and dirty tricks to get our hands on them should they ever go on sale at Neimans) there is an enviably quirky chic-ness to the entire look that would be impossible for anyone else but our favorite fashionista.

So with all the various Fashion Weeks winding down and a long promo tour for the SATC movie sequel on the horizon, we’re excited to see what SJP/Carrie (there’s got to be a way to shorten that but we haven’t come up with anything yet, thoughts?) parades around in until it’s shot and in the can.  Though her attempts to make those horrible Martin Margiela split-toe shoes the next Manolos can end any time now . . .

Get the look of SJP’s fierce heels in these dominatrix-esque Dolce & Gabbana ‘Lucinda’ heels from ShoeCompare.com.

By ShoeMinx Diva Paige Muller

She Fought The Battle Against Color and Gray Won

This is why we totally heart Victoria Beckham:

Who else but the former Spice Girl travels looking like the world’s most glamorous East German border guard slash Karl Lagerfeld’s limousine driver?  It’s part of her magical fashion powers that enable her to pull off a  head-to-toe dove gray ensemble, including an absolutely drool-worthy pair of YSL pumps,  that would render us mere mortals looking like a somewhat mad woman in a glorified (but very, very expensive) bathrobe.  Oh, Posh.  We just want to clasp her size-0 frame in our arms in joy. In an endless sea of celebs in leggings and slumpy, dumpy Uggs, she is our anchor.  Our joie de vive.  The reason we spend a small fortune on Elle, Vogue and Harper’s Bazaar every month.  She had us at “It’s MAY-JAH.”

Get the look of Vic’s fierce footwear in these gorgeous suede ‘Tanya” pumps from Brian Atwood.

By ShoeMinx Fashionista Paige Muller

Now If She’d Just Find An Equally Acceptable Boyfriend . . .

Determined to milk every money-making opportunity out of their PG-rated star before her audience hits puberty, Disney princess Miley Cryus has extended her brand and added another title to her resume—author.  Yes, the just-turned-16 year old Hannah Montana star has penned her autobiography, Miles to Go.  She shares her “inspiring story, spanning from her Southern roots in Tennessee to the excitement of her record-setting triumphs.”  The best part is the “novel” is even equipped with doodles! Wonder if this is reflective of Justin’s maturity level, too?  Miley must be saving the chapter about how bummed she was that she got a hand-me-down Porsche for her birthday for the follow-up.  In short, WAAAAH.

But the book’s 272 pages aside, the mature- beyond-her-years triple threat is caught in that awkward teen/young adult stage. Miley usually outfits herself in looks that are either cloyingly twee, like her Ariel “Under the Sea” Oscar dress (gee, why not just stamp “Property of Disney, Inc.” on her forehead?) or way too mature like an aging soap opera star.  But she gets it 100% age appropriate at a Barnes & Noble book signing in jeans and a white t-shirt with a sparkly vest and scarf, paired with a totally cute pair of brown tall boots, like this ‘Frye’ style by Victoria.  Victory in our time!

And with her face scrubbed free of its normal layer of paint and her hair in loose waves, we suddenly find ourselves wanting to put on a Team Miley t-shirt and start rooting for her to keep beating the Jonas Brothers in their Mouse House tweendom battle.

By ShoeMinx “Team Miley” Fanclub President Paige Muller